No matter what we may go through to make us the women we are today, there is a plan God has for us when we were born. We are all on a journey to be the best God wants us to be. We wonder why bad things happen to good people...but God hasn't taken us this far to let us go now.
So...I will be making updated posts of her story as she writes from her heart. Sometimes we don't share our most intimate feelings for fear of people who may judge us. She is not one of those women. Confident, loving and successful in many ways, she exhumes the Holy Spirit who lives within her and within a few minutes of connecting our shared emotions, I asked her to write her story for my blog. Enjoy!
When Love is Not Enough...
When I was young, I knew and understood that my value and worth in this world originated from a bond of love innately born within a solid Christian family. As familiar as I was with the influences that moved me nearer and nearer to the inevitable journey of self-discovery and awareness, the realization that there are many "bonds of love" and family structures that are not coeval to my own was an astonishing discovery. However, as long as my intrinsic value rested peacefully within my "bond of love", I grew to live, love, learn, and expect lifelong bliss.
As I continued through the journey of life and as I grew into "My Own", falling in love seemed the next logical experience. A different kind of love than before, however it, if chosen successfully, should prove to provide the bearers with lifelong happiness.
After the wedding bells and after years of living under the impression that I would always be the recipient of love and believe in the ideology of happily married bliss, the roses in my garden began to fade. If you asked me what happened or to describe my experience, it would be nearly impossible to express in words alone. The "Eyes of Love" were altered and had become the "Eyes of a Stranger". Life took a turn that was never anticipated or expected. A turn that led me into loneliness and divorce. While I remained in love, my ex-spouse moved on with the love from another. And he moved nearly 2,000 miles away from our two children and me.
At this time, I am going to take a time out. My emotions are almost too much for me to endure and express.
(I'm back) So many memories that I would rather forget and erase from my mental dairy. Memories that were never to be a page in my book of life. But there they were. Written, sold, placed on a shelf, purchased, and read - all in one step. Also, loneliness, depression, emptiness, and friendlessness were never to be "MY" enemies. But they were growing with an incessant passion. Regardless of how I tried, nagging and nagging at my inner mind and spirit, I could not fight the fight. It was a pointless attempt. I suppose that I could best be described as a psychological mess.
A psychological mess is an understatement. During the last five years of our marriage, I was the recipient of verbal and physical abuse, abandoned in a state where the only family I had were my two children. Who, and rightly so, were depending on me for their support, love and so much more. To further my plight, I had not worked outside the home in over 15 years and he drove away with our only car.
So how does one react when love is not enough. Where does one find reassurance when an empty "shell" would be an accurate description of their spirit and soul? First, I am a Christian, raised in a Christian family. Second, the only place to fall was at the foot of the Cross, my cross. Third, rest assured that there I could find the hope of a new beginning, discover a new life and fill up the emptiness with the Grace of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
Since that time, I have found assurance through prayer and reading the Bible. My favorite chapter is Psalms 91 and I read it over and over. My favorite passage: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. Proverbs 3: 5-6. I have repeated these scriptures at least 5,000 times. It has helped me to not give into worry and the stress of life.
But I do understand that my story is complex, so I think it best that it be written in a few segments. In my next segment, I will be happy to write about the "Strength in the Olive Jar". Until then, God Bless and Keep You.